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A blog by Perry Tenitiss 
 
August 24

Thanks Alltel Mighty, Free At Last!
Well, it's finally happened, Mom has been officially unbanned from Alltel. We are all very happy that she is off the terrorist list of that cell phone company and freed to enter any Alltel store in the world at any time (during regular business hours) to do her peaceable, legal phone business without fear of reprisal or imprisonment.  She was cautioned, however, not to return to the Alltel store in which the incident occured because Phil, while unstable, is still thought of as a retrainable asset by the company and they wish to retain him rather than try to replace him.  I say, Good Luck, Chuck!  It has been my experience that humans with domination issues are not easily salvaged, but we'll see I suppose.

So, now that mom doesn't have to plan her routes to avoid Alltel checkpoints, we are free to move about the country once again.  And that we shall.  Mom is trying to get sent to Florida before the fifth of September.  She and dad and I are going to New York in October, so with Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Tropical Depression/Tropical Mood Disorder Fay stomping all over Florida and Alabama, she hopes to get thirty days in before that time.  That will give her some extra time in and some extra bucks (if The Emily stops running red lights and other expensive law-related activities while she is gone.  In July she was giving money to the government and lawyers as fast as mom was making it up in Illinois) and a little spending money in New York.

Other fun things that have been going on around here:

1) Plumbers with axes-  Plumbers had to come in and dig up big holes inside and outside the fence in the back yard in order to fix a broken pipe that led to the alley.  To do that they first had to cut down the Paradise trees in the back yard...TIMBER!  I watched the whole thing from my seat at the back window.  It was awsome.

Then they dug their holes very deep, like six feet.  I thought they were digging a grave at first because it was so big and deep and I ran to warn dad while he was sleeping.  I mean really, even though he doesn't buy us the good food while mom is gone, he still takes good care of us and I like him ok.  I didn't want them to come in the house with their big sledge hammers (oh, didn't I tell you about the sledge hammers yet?) and whack the old man and hide him in the back yard.  So I jumped on him in the bed and he woke up really fast.  He must have been dreaming because he sat straight up and started to get out of bed.  I ran over to the door so he could follow me.  He cussed at me and came after me, but his Elephant machine was still hooked to his face and he got stuck by it.  The Elephant hose got jerked off and the hissing machine fell off the chair and Dad slipped and fell back on the bed.  Kyra had been on the bed and she was startled awake by my warning and was barking her lungs out on top of the bed.  It was really pretty funny and I'd have been laughing if I wasn't so afraid of the plumbers.  Then the phone rang... it was them.

Dad got up, still cussing, and put on his shorts with the red suspenders (because Mom says that now he works for the Fire Department he should wear red suspenders.  I don't get it, but I guess Dad does.  After all, he wears them) and went to the door.  I jumped up on top of the chair by the front door and meowed and meowed as loud as I could, but he opened the door anyways.  Outside was the grinning plumber, his young assistant hanging behind, sledge in hand.  They started to talk.

The "reason" the plumbers said they needed the sledge hammer was that the broken pipe was under part of the driveway and they had to break up the concrete above it.  Yeah, logical but, well, come on. 

Anyways, dad went out with them and I watched from the back window helplessly as the plumber walked Dad close to the edge of the hole and his assistant walked up behind Dad with the sledge.  I nearly passed out with fear. I beat on the window as hard as I could and Dad turned around to look at me.  The guy with the sledge looked around at me and glared as he lowered the big hammer to the ground.  The plumber let go of Dad's arm as he walked toward the window to tell me to be quiet.  Whew!  That was a close one.

So, the pipe was fixed and the hole was filled.  Maybe there was no one in it when they filled it, maybe there was, but at least it wasn't Dad.

2) The washer flooded because dad had been working on the drain and forgot to put the hose back in it when he started the washer.  The water went everywhere, even under the door and walls into Mom and Dad's bedroom and bathroom.  Boy, let me tell you, that was good for a solid four hours of cussing!  Dad had so many fans going it was like a hurricane around here.

And that was all before mom came home from Illinois.  I'll tell you all about that in the next entry.

3:23 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

August 13

BANNED FROM ALLTEL
I encourage you participate if you have an opinion:
♫
alltel@custhelp.com

(Alltel Corporate Employee) Sheila,

Since you have not addressed the issue of my banishment, I must assume that you support it. I do not believe I will remain an Alltel customer under these circumstances (especially since I can never, ever again go into one of your stores). And, people reading my report on this matter in the United States, Canada and other countries around the world are encouraging me to do just that, citing problems with Alltel and other companies in their respective countries.

I have hundreds of readers and they are following the developments of this matter very closely. Each letter I receive and send are posted in five different venues with five different audiences. The feedback I have been getting (from other Alltel customers and other with cell phones) some of which I have forwarded to you, is unanimously bad for the phone companies.

And don't thank me for being an Alltel customer. Not yet.

Kathleen Fairweather

********************************************************
(Reply from Alltel's Shiela)

Dear Kathleen Fairweather,

Thank you for your reply.

It is not my decision to not banish you from the retail stores, for I was not there to witness the behavior of you nor the manager/rep you dealt with. It has been noted to the account the behavior that you presented in the retail so therefore the actions you presented caused for the retail manager to make that decision. I have forwarded all information and emails, to the proper management team. They will review the notes on the account as well, I can assure the issue is being dealt with.

Thank you for emailing Alltel. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Sheila
Alltel Online Customer Service

********************************************************

Dear Shiela,

I cannot believe you are unable to lift a ban on a customer who had a horrible experience with one employee at one store, made no threats and was called a liar by the manager. If your company is so ineffective and treats its customers this way, then you don't deserve to be in business. This is exactly like putting me on a terrorist watch list for telling an airport employee to get his hand off my breast.

If you are unable to make this decision, give me the name and number/email of someone who can.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Kathleen Fairweather

*********************************************************

Sheila D.'s email is
alltel@custhelp.com

7:38 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

August 10

BANNED FROM ALLTEL EVERYWHERE FOREVER!
I'm posting this for my human:

As you know from the last blog, I dropped my phone into the raging flood waters of our laundry room and it died a tragic death.  This is the story of the aftermath and recovery from that disaster and the Katrina-like situation that ensued.

The day after the phone passed away, I took it in to Alltel and had them file an insurance claim, paid the $50.00 deductible and happily walked out with a new phone.  This is how the world should work.  The next day, the phone didn't hold it's charge even though it was charged overnight, so I went back to Alltel and, thinking that the battery might be defective, swapped it out for a new one.  After four more days of charging, the phone was still running out of battery after just a few hours whether I was using it or not, turned on or not. I even used two different battery chargers indoors and my car charger while I was driving, same result. So logically I thought, It must not be the batteries, it must be the phone.

So after leaving the phone on the charger all night long, I went off to Alltel this morning to get a new phone.  After all, I had a new warranty guaranteed with the new phone, so I should be able to switch the phone right out, right?  OK.

I go into the store and a young man waits on me.  I tell him I was in there earlier in the week and switched out the battery because it hadn't stayed charge.  In fact, he had been the young man who waited on me for that visit.  The lady at the other end of the counter was the one who had helped me get the new phone from the insurance company to begin with that week.  So I said, "I need to switch out the phone for one that works."

He answered, "I can't do that."
"Why not? I asked.
"Because I just checked your phone and it's working."
I was puzzled at this answer, "Yes, I just took it off the charger.  But it won't hold that charge for 12 hours."
"Well, it's working now.  I just made calls and called it and it's working fine."

I think the boy was stuck on auto.  I explained slowly, "It's not the calls that don't work, it's the charge."
"Well, ma'am, I can't tell that unless you leave the phone."
"But I need my phone.  I have calls to make."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave it here."
I shook my head.  "Let me talk to your manager."

So the young man went into the back and disappeared.  The older man sitting next to him started giving me the old hairy eyeball.  That one looks like trouble, his eyes said. 

The manager came out.  He was not too tall with a white shirt and tie, slacks and a short haircut.  Rather nondescript, actually.  His name was Phil.

"What is the matter, ma'am?"  These Texas boys, so polite.
"My phone isn't working right and I need to exchange it for one that works."
He took the phone into his expert hands.  "This phone is making and receiving calls."

Good Lord.

"Yes," I answered as patiently as I could, "but it doesn't stay charged."
"But we don't have any way to verify that."
"I'm TELLING you it doesn't work.  I was in here Monday and got the phone.  I was in here Tuesday to get a new battery because it wouldn't charge.  It still won't charge.  The phone doesn't work."

"Ma'am, the phone works."  I looked at him, stunned at his obtuseness. 
"No, it doesn't.  It won't hold a charge."
"Ma'am, we can't verify that.  You'll have to leave the phone here."
"I need my phone.  Are you going to give me a loaner phone?"

He gave me a look like I'd just told him I he had a rattle snake on his head.  "We can't do that, that costs us money!"
"Well what do you think it costs me to get the new phone?  I just paid a $50.00 deductible!"
"But we pay over $200 to replace this phone.  You only pay $5.00 a month for insurance."

Okay, let's just stop a minute here.  I've paid $5.00 a month for insurance on several phones for several years.  I also paid full price for those phones when I bought them.  And, I pay a deductible when something happens to them because they want me to pay extra money in case I break it even though I pay insurance to pay for a new one.  Do the math.

"I don't care how much you pay for it.  I paid for this phone and it doesn't work.  You gave it to me.  You said it worked.  It doesn't work.  Replace this phone with one that works."  I pushed the phone and the box it came in towards him.

"MA'AM!" he squealed in alarm.  "I won't have you pushing things at me!"
By now I knew he was nuts.
"I'm giving you back your crappy phone that doesn't work.  Give me one that works."
"Ma'am" he said, still patting his tie back in place, "this phone works."
"It doesn't stay charged."
"Well, you'll have to leave it so we can verify that."
"No, I won't."
"Well, just bring it back if it runs out.  We'll be here until 7:00 pm."

I went back out to the car and called Guy at work.  I told him about the manager arguing with me about the phone for a quarter of an hour.  Guy asked why he didn't just say, "OK, it won't charge.  Just bring it back when the charge runs down."
I told him I didn't know.  He insisted that the phone worked fine.  He was simply wrong and essentially calling me a liar every time he did it.

So, I decided to go back into the store with the check book and just turn it in as broken, pay the $50.00 and get another phone.  He stopped me.
"Just let me pay the deductible and I'll get another phone."
Evil glinted in his eye. 
"No, ma'am, you can only file twice in twelve months."
"And you can't replace a phone that doesn't work?"
"Ma'am, that phone works."

If I heard "Ma'am" one more time I was going to do something unnatural, so I said, "FINE!" and left the store.

One hour later, the battery dropped over half it's power.  I went back to the store.  There was one person in front of me in line.  He was waited on.  I stood there and saw Phil come in, ignoring me heavily.  "Phil!" I said.  He walked into the back.  By now I was up to my ears with it.  While I waited I called Guy again and told him the broken phone had done its thing again and that they should replace it unless Phil accused me of discharging it on purpose somehow.  Other customers heard me and looked.  The staff heard me and didn't look.  Still, Phil was a no-show.

After a half hour of everyone stalling as much as they possibly could, one of them, the lady, finally had to wait on me.  I went up, sat in the chair and handed her my phone.  She opened it and saw it had discharged.  I said, "I took it off the charger at 10:30 this morning."  (It was now 12:45)  She said, "It shouldn't do that."

She started working and I said, "I just can't stand someone calling me a liar."  She looked up and said, "I can understand that."
Then I asked where Phil was.  As she got up to go into the office, she said, "Oh, he's on a conference call."

Right. 

"Yeah," I said, "Tell him I think he's a coward.'  Which I did for not coming out to apologize for arguing with me and helping me get the phone taken care of.
She came back with little Phil right behind her, heaving mad.

"Did you call me a coward?"
Looking up at him calmly I answered, "You called me a liar."

"NO MA'AM!  At NO point did I ever call you a LIAR!"

"I told you the phone was broken.  You kept saying it wasn't.  That's calling me a liar."
"The phone ISN'T broken."

I tried logic one more time.
"OK, what does a phone do, make and receive calls, right?"
"Yes."
"And in order to do that it needs power, right?"
Suspicious, he answered, "Yesss..."
"So," I continued, "a phone needs to call, make calls and have power to do that, right?"
"NO!  Power's DIFFERENT!"

duh

I looked up at him in disbelief. 

I said, "You're just full of sh*t, aren't you?"

He went off like a firecracker.  "THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!  I DON'T HAVE TO TOLERATE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN HERE."  He was waving his arms around.
"You're OUT of here."
"I'm getting my phone." I answered pointedly.  The lady at the desk had her head down so far her nose touched the keyboard.

He continued.  "WE HAVE SECURITY HERE!  WE HAVE CAMERAS!  YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK IN HERE!"

By now he was looking pretty ridiculous and I got tickled.  "Great!"  I said with a smile.

"I MEAN IT!  I'M CALLING ALLTEL SECURITY (didn't know they had that division) AND YOU'LL BE BANNED FROM ALL THE STORES IN TOWN!"
"OK."

He tried again.  "YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK IN AN ALLTEL STORE AGAIN!  YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE ONLINE!"
"I can do that."

"YOU'LL NEVER GET INTO AN ALLTEL STORE ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN!"
"Great."  I could barely keep from laughing out loud.  Banned from every Alltel store everywhere forever.  Wow, he's got a lot of power.

I looked closely at his eyes and said most sincerely, "So did that word actually do physical damage to your ears?  Do they hurt?"

He looked at me stunned.  "I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU MA'AM.  YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK!"
"Do you think I want to talk with you again?."

He stomped off to the front door, ready, I'm sure, to heave me to the parking lot if I slowed to pull out my car keys.

I got my phone and thanked the poor little woman at the desk.  As I went out, I couldn't resist. 
"I knew that conference call was a bunch of crap."
He gave me an evil glare and said cheerily, "Thank you ma'am, have a good day!"
I turned and said, "You too, Phil, have a good one!"

Now I am a marked woman, banned forever from every Alltel store in the entire world. And so, I'm sending this out to you so that you can distribute the poster to any Alltel store you may have in your community.  I mean, really, let's beat the rush.

Katie



6:26 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 29

How Pig Oil Ruined America
  • On the news this morning it was reported that Americans traveled 1.4 billion fewer miles than during the same period last year. The high price of gasoline is cited as the primary cause.  A side effect of this is a huge reduction of government budget money for the repair and replacement of roads and bridges in America. ( http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=520111&catid=2)
  • Floods in the Midwest have destroyed millions of acres of farmland.  Corn, already priced higher than normal because it is being used to make ethanol instead of feeding cows and people (look at your labels, folks, corn syrup is in almost everything!) is going for record, sky-high prices.  The cost of shipping food with extravagantly priced diesel fuel is making for bigger and bigger tickets at the grocery store.  Grocery purchases are eating into those luxury item purchases like shoes and clothes and electricity.
  • Our "oil man" president's economic stimulus package gave everyone in America enough money to pay off their gasoline credit card for a month.  Almost.  Great news for the oil companies, right?

With the administration in favor of the financial suction of Pig Oil and their blatant rape of this country's economic system, oil barons who posted billions in profits after one of the biggest catastrophic disasters in this nation's history got away with price gouging of the highest order.  Their excuses about losing refining capacity is belied by their lack of investment in building new refineries with their ill-gotten gains.  And their token attempts to support "green" technology is simply a way of deflecting the direct criticism they deserve.

This winter, who will assist those freezing elderly Americans on the president's reamed out social security program who can't afford to move to Florida or other sunshine states and can't afford the high cost of heating oil?  Will we have to depend on Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez for relief again?

It's time we stopped feeding the pigs and started cleaning the barn.  This country can be energy independent with non-combustible fuels in ten years with some effort and the loss of absolute power of the oil companies.  We did it for Kennedy, we can do it for ourselves.  After all, he just challenged us to go to the moon.

Perry Tenitiss

 
 


10:07 AM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 17

Talking about Tony's Too: Service With A Sigh

 

Quote

Tony's Too: Service With A Sigh
OK, we've given this restaurant four tries, two more than mom usually does and three more than I do. It's the one that is in our hotel here in Quincy and it's pretty icky. Let me start with the first time.

It was really hot one of the first days that we were here. Mom was all red in the face and droopy. I, on the other hand, have wonderful, insulating fur which keeps my temperature regulated unless we are at thermal extremes. But I digress.


We went in, stood at the door for a little while, then finally went in and sat at one of the booths. It had food all over it, but mom took the dirty napkin and wiped it off. A man came over from behind the bar and asked if we wanted anything to drink. Mom said, "Yes, some water would be great." He told us our server would be with us shortly.

When he got back he only had ONE glass of water, no bowl and a stupid lemon on the glass. So much for his tip! But, mom was glad, so it was ok really. She sat and drank the water while we chatted and finally finished it (after melting some ice in her hands for me!) Twenty five minutes later we decided it was time to go up to the room and go to bed, so we started to get up out of the booth. The bartender guy comes up and says, "So, are you ready to order?"

Mom says to him, "You know, I think I was only thirsty," and so we go. The scene is set. Since then mom has had the champagne chicken salad a couple of times, but she always brings it up to the room.

So tonight mom decides (she's been in a wierd mood all day and even called her shrink) to go to the restaurant again and try something. Now on the good side, someone actually meets us at the doorway and asks us where we'd like to sit. Of course we pick a booth and of course it hasn't been cleared. Mom clears and wipes the table and a while later someone comes along and takes the stuff. This girl says, "Someone will come back and spray this down in a minute." No one ever did.

A waitress who shall remain unnamed comes up and asks mom what she'd like to drink. Mom says, "Water. No, wait, do you have any lemonade?"
"Sure!" says the UnNamed Waitress and off she goes.

She comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water with a lemon on top. Mom looks at it and says, "This isn't lemonade, is it?"
"Oh, no, did you want lemonade?"
"Yes."
"Oh, I thought you wanted lemon." Mom smiled at her. I cringed.

It worked out well though because mom squished the lemon into her lemonade so it wouldn't taste so much like powered and I got to drink the whole glass of water all by myself! Next came the menu.

Mom looked through it and said there was a lot of stuff fried and with cheese (and fried cheese!). She said just looking at it made her arteries tense up. But, she ordered us some roast chicken with rice. It came with a salad or soup. Mom asked, "What's the soup?"
"Beer cheese." Mom made a face like somebody squeezed a skunk into her nose.
"And we have bean and mushroom."
"That sounds better," mom said to her and she handed her the menu.

The UNW brought mom her soup. Fortunately for mom, there was a soup spoon on the bowl because we hadn't got any silverware yet. As the UNW breezed by dropping off the soup, mom said, "Silverware?" But it was too late. She was already out of range.

Mom started reading her book A Welcome Grave and I just sat and people-watched. There were four beer-drinking, hard-working guys in red hats (Cards fans, I suspect, although why anyone in their right mind would root for a birdie I'll never understand) waiting for their dinners and drinking a couple of beers. They were watching a game on one of the five or so tvs that hang around the room. There wasn't anyone sitting at the bar tonight, although there were a couple of guys there the other night also watching the redbirds. The waitresses there were all flurried like they had been running a race and their hair was all wispy and they just looked exhausted. Maybe they worked more hours today than mom. Ten and a half hours girls? In faint air conditioning?

Well, when the chicken got there, it looked good: Half a chicken sprawled all over some fried wild rice and fried corn and fried black beans and fried peppers and fried something else that was red but not tomatos. I guess they have quite the fry cook back there in the kitchen. The menu had said something about the chicken being lightly rubbed with herbs or something like that and it looked really good. So mom cut the chicken. It was pinkish and yummy looking. The waitress walked away. Mom used her Voice Which Commands: "May I have some silverware?" As if in a trance the waitress returned to the table. "Oh! I'm sorry! I'll get you some!" It didn't take long. But they seem to be very stingy with their silverware, which would be fine if they'd just give you a napkin to wipe the gravy off your hands and stuff.

The chicken was beautiful. Mom cut into it and cut some out. Steam curled from the freshly cut bird. But it smelled funny. Mom ate some of it and said it again. She didn't even need to give me any. I KNEW it smelled funny. And she said it tasted funny, too. I declined to test her theory. It smells funny, it tastes funny- kinda goes without tasting, ya know?

Mom gamely tried to eat the chicken, she had some from the leg, some from the back, some from the breast, but it all tasted the same. Funny. And not funny ha-ha. So mom ate all the vegetable matter while I sipped my water. Then it was time to go.

Mom took the bill and her card and put them on the corner of the table. No one picked it up. Finally, we went up to the front where a girl with a hot, red face and fly-away blonde hair was playing with a machine that spit out dinner bills. Mom showed her the card and the ticket and said, "Can you take this?"

The girl looked at mom as if she had just added another Herculean burden to her day and took the stuff. She said, "Sorry, that's not mine, I can't," sighed, and walked away. The bartender stood there watching the whole operation and mom turned to him and said, "Are you taking money tonight?" He took the stuff and said, "Who is your server? Oh, it was UNW. UNW! COME CHECK HER OUT!" So after a minute our waitress came up. She asked if everything was alright and mom just nodded rather than go into the entire experience with her. We just wanted to get upstairs. She had mom's card and ticket in her hand and started checking her out.

Tonys door

The front door to the restaurant.  There appears to be some sort of cosmic distortion here.  Time actually slows to a crawl once through this portal.

Suddenly, two women appeared at the door and the tired blonde server went to greet them. UNW turned and saw them. She stepped up to one and said, "Hey, we don't want you in here!" Then she hugged the woman to whom she had spoken. Obviously they were friends. Next, UNW stood there hipshot having a conversation with this woman, waving mom's credit card and bill around and having a good old time. Mom finally went up to the woman who had come in and said, "I'm sorry, but she has to finish with my credit card."

The woman looked surprised and UNW gave us both a dirty look. Mom is way too nice. She gave her a tip. Maybe she figured the UNW was so inept that she'd need the money to supplement her unemployment. You know how she is, always helping the handicapped.

So we left and went straight to the desk to tell them all about our dinner. But they were busy with a whole bunch of construction guys who were checking in. So, we came up here to write the story down. They can read it in the newspapers with everyone else!

(I'm going back to sharpen my claws on the bar)

Your furry gourmet,
Perry

Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman



7:53 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

 
August 24

Thanks Alltel Mighty, Free At Last!
Well, it's finally happened, Mom has been officially unbanned from Alltel. We are all very happy that she is off the terrorist list of that cell phone company and freed to enter any Alltel store in the world at any time (during regular business hours) to do her peaceable, legal phone business without fear of reprisal or imprisonment.  She was cautioned, however, not to return to the Alltel store in which the incident occured because Phil, while unstable, is still thought of as a retrainable asset by the company and they wish to retain him rather than try to replace him.  I say, Good Luck, Chuck!  It has been my experience that humans with domination issues are not easily salvaged, but we'll see I suppose.

So, now that mom doesn't have to plan her routes to avoid Alltel checkpoints, we are free to move about the country once again.  And that we shall.  Mom is trying to get sent to Florida before the fifth of September.  She and dad and I are going to New York in October, so with Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Tropical Depression/Tropical Mood Disorder Fay stomping all over Florida and Alabama, she hopes to get thirty days in before that time.  That will give her some extra time in and some extra bucks (if The Emily stops running red lights and other expensive law-related activities while she is gone.  In July she was giving money to the government and lawyers as fast as mom was making it up in Illinois) and a little spending money in New York.

Other fun things that have been going on around here:

1) Plumbers with axes-  Plumbers had to come in and dig up big holes inside and outside the fence in the back yard in order to fix a broken pipe that led to the alley.  To do that they first had to cut down the Paradise trees in the back yard...TIMBER!  I watched the whole thing from my seat at the back window.  It was awsome.

Then they dug their holes very deep, like six feet.  I thought they were digging a grave at first because it was so big and deep and I ran to warn dad while he was sleeping.  I mean really, even though he doesn't buy us the good food while mom is gone, he still takes good care of us and I like him ok.  I didn't want them to come in the house with their big sledge hammers (oh, didn't I tell you about the sledge hammers yet?) and whack the old man and hide him in the back yard.  So I jumped on him in the bed and he woke up really fast.  He must have been dreaming because he sat straight up and started to get out of bed.  I ran over to the door so he could follow me.  He cussed at me and came after me, but his Elephant machine was still hooked to his face and he got stuck by it.  The Elephant hose got jerked off and the hissing machine fell off the chair and Dad slipped and fell back on the bed.  Kyra had been on the bed and she was startled awake by my warning and was barking her lungs out on top of the bed.  It was really pretty funny and I'd have been laughing if I wasn't so afraid of the plumbers.  Then the phone rang... it was them.

Dad got up, still cussing, and put on his shorts with the red suspenders (because Mom says that now he works for the Fire Department he should wear red suspenders.  I don't get it, but I guess Dad does.  After all, he wears them) and went to the door.  I jumped up on top of the chair by the front door and meowed and meowed as loud as I could, but he opened the door anyways.  Outside was the grinning plumber, his young assistant hanging behind, sledge in hand.  They started to talk.

The "reason" the plumbers said they needed the sledge hammer was that the broken pipe was under part of the driveway and they had to break up the concrete above it.  Yeah, logical but, well, come on. 

Anyways, dad went out with them and I watched from the back window helplessly as the plumber walked Dad close to the edge of the hole and his assistant walked up behind Dad with the sledge.  I nearly passed out with fear. I beat on the window as hard as I could and Dad turned around to look at me.  The guy with the sledge looked around at me and glared as he lowered the big hammer to the ground.  The plumber let go of Dad's arm as he walked toward the window to tell me to be quiet.  Whew!  That was a close one.

So, the pipe was fixed and the hole was filled.  Maybe there was no one in it when they filled it, maybe there was, but at least it wasn't Dad.

2) The washer flooded because dad had been working on the drain and forgot to put the hose back in it when he started the washer.  The water went everywhere, even under the door and walls into Mom and Dad's bedroom and bathroom.  Boy, let me tell you, that was good for a solid four hours of cussing!  Dad had so many fans going it was like a hurricane around here.

And that was all before mom came home from Illinois.  I'll tell you all about that in the next entry.

3:23 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

August 13

BANNED FROM ALLTEL
I encourage you participate if you have an opinion:
♫
alltel@custhelp.com

(Alltel Corporate Employee) Sheila,

Since you have not addressed the issue of my banishment, I must assume that you support it. I do not believe I will remain an Alltel customer under these circumstances (especially since I can never, ever again go into one of your stores). And, people reading my report on this matter in the United States, Canada and other countries around the world are encouraging me to do just that, citing problems with Alltel and other companies in their respective countries.

I have hundreds of readers and they are following the developments of this matter very closely. Each letter I receive and send are posted in five different venues with five different audiences. The feedback I have been getting (from other Alltel customers and other with cell phones) some of which I have forwarded to you, is unanimously bad for the phone companies.

And don't thank me for being an Alltel customer. Not yet.

Kathleen Fairweather

********************************************************
(Reply from Alltel's Shiela)

Dear Kathleen Fairweather,

Thank you for your reply.

It is not my decision to not banish you from the retail stores, for I was not there to witness the behavior of you nor the manager/rep you dealt with. It has been noted to the account the behavior that you presented in the retail so therefore the actions you presented caused for the retail manager to make that decision. I have forwarded all information and emails, to the proper management team. They will review the notes on the account as well, I can assure the issue is being dealt with.

Thank you for emailing Alltel. Have a great day!

Sincerely,

Sheila
Alltel Online Customer Service

********************************************************

Dear Shiela,

I cannot believe you are unable to lift a ban on a customer who had a horrible experience with one employee at one store, made no threats and was called a liar by the manager. If your company is so ineffective and treats its customers this way, then you don't deserve to be in business. This is exactly like putting me on a terrorist watch list for telling an airport employee to get his hand off my breast.

If you are unable to make this decision, give me the name and number/email of someone who can.

Thank you and have a wonderful day.

Kathleen Fairweather

*********************************************************

Sheila D.'s email is
alltel@custhelp.com

7:38 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

August 10

BANNED FROM ALLTEL EVERYWHERE FOREVER!
I'm posting this for my human:

As you know from the last blog, I dropped my phone into the raging flood waters of our laundry room and it died a tragic death.  This is the story of the aftermath and recovery from that disaster and the Katrina-like situation that ensued.

The day after the phone passed away, I took it in to Alltel and had them file an insurance claim, paid the $50.00 deductible and happily walked out with a new phone.  This is how the world should work.  The next day, the phone didn't hold it's charge even though it was charged overnight, so I went back to Alltel and, thinking that the battery might be defective, swapped it out for a new one.  After four more days of charging, the phone was still running out of battery after just a few hours whether I was using it or not, turned on or not. I even used two different battery chargers indoors and my car charger while I was driving, same result. So logically I thought, It must not be the batteries, it must be the phone.

So after leaving the phone on the charger all night long, I went off to Alltel this morning to get a new phone.  After all, I had a new warranty guaranteed with the new phone, so I should be able to switch the phone right out, right?  OK.

I go into the store and a young man waits on me.  I tell him I was in there earlier in the week and switched out the battery because it hadn't stayed charge.  In fact, he had been the young man who waited on me for that visit.  The lady at the other end of the counter was the one who had helped me get the new phone from the insurance company to begin with that week.  So I said, "I need to switch out the phone for one that works."

He answered, "I can't do that."
"Why not? I asked.
"Because I just checked your phone and it's working."
I was puzzled at this answer, "Yes, I just took it off the charger.  But it won't hold that charge for 12 hours."
"Well, it's working now.  I just made calls and called it and it's working fine."

I think the boy was stuck on auto.  I explained slowly, "It's not the calls that don't work, it's the charge."
"Well, ma'am, I can't tell that unless you leave the phone."
"But I need my phone.  I have calls to make."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave it here."
I shook my head.  "Let me talk to your manager."

So the young man went into the back and disappeared.  The older man sitting next to him started giving me the old hairy eyeball.  That one looks like trouble, his eyes said. 

The manager came out.  He was not too tall with a white shirt and tie, slacks and a short haircut.  Rather nondescript, actually.  His name was Phil.

"What is the matter, ma'am?"  These Texas boys, so polite.
"My phone isn't working right and I need to exchange it for one that works."
He took the phone into his expert hands.  "This phone is making and receiving calls."

Good Lord.

"Yes," I answered as patiently as I could, "but it doesn't stay charged."
"But we don't have any way to verify that."
"I'm TELLING you it doesn't work.  I was in here Monday and got the phone.  I was in here Tuesday to get a new battery because it wouldn't charge.  It still won't charge.  The phone doesn't work."

"Ma'am, the phone works."  I looked at him, stunned at his obtuseness. 
"No, it doesn't.  It won't hold a charge."
"Ma'am, we can't verify that.  You'll have to leave the phone here."
"I need my phone.  Are you going to give me a loaner phone?"

He gave me a look like I'd just told him I he had a rattle snake on his head.  "We can't do that, that costs us money!"
"Well what do you think it costs me to get the new phone?  I just paid a $50.00 deductible!"
"But we pay over $200 to replace this phone.  You only pay $5.00 a month for insurance."

Okay, let's just stop a minute here.  I've paid $5.00 a month for insurance on several phones for several years.  I also paid full price for those phones when I bought them.  And, I pay a deductible when something happens to them because they want me to pay extra money in case I break it even though I pay insurance to pay for a new one.  Do the math.

"I don't care how much you pay for it.  I paid for this phone and it doesn't work.  You gave it to me.  You said it worked.  It doesn't work.  Replace this phone with one that works."  I pushed the phone and the box it came in towards him.

"MA'AM!" he squealed in alarm.  "I won't have you pushing things at me!"
By now I knew he was nuts.
"I'm giving you back your crappy phone that doesn't work.  Give me one that works."
"Ma'am" he said, still patting his tie back in place, "this phone works."
"It doesn't stay charged."
"Well, you'll have to leave it so we can verify that."
"No, I won't."
"Well, just bring it back if it runs out.  We'll be here until 7:00 pm."

I went back out to the car and called Guy at work.  I told him about the manager arguing with me about the phone for a quarter of an hour.  Guy asked why he didn't just say, "OK, it won't charge.  Just bring it back when the charge runs down."
I told him I didn't know.  He insisted that the phone worked fine.  He was simply wrong and essentially calling me a liar every time he did it.

So, I decided to go back into the store with the check book and just turn it in as broken, pay the $50.00 and get another phone.  He stopped me.
"Just let me pay the deductible and I'll get another phone."
Evil glinted in his eye. 
"No, ma'am, you can only file twice in twelve months."
"And you can't replace a phone that doesn't work?"
"Ma'am, that phone works."

If I heard "Ma'am" one more time I was going to do something unnatural, so I said, "FINE!" and left the store.

One hour later, the battery dropped over half it's power.  I went back to the store.  There was one person in front of me in line.  He was waited on.  I stood there and saw Phil come in, ignoring me heavily.  "Phil!" I said.  He walked into the back.  By now I was up to my ears with it.  While I waited I called Guy again and told him the broken phone had done its thing again and that they should replace it unless Phil accused me of discharging it on purpose somehow.  Other customers heard me and looked.  The staff heard me and didn't look.  Still, Phil was a no-show.

After a half hour of everyone stalling as much as they possibly could, one of them, the lady, finally had to wait on me.  I went up, sat in the chair and handed her my phone.  She opened it and saw it had discharged.  I said, "I took it off the charger at 10:30 this morning."  (It was now 12:45)  She said, "It shouldn't do that."

She started working and I said, "I just can't stand someone calling me a liar."  She looked up and said, "I can understand that."
Then I asked where Phil was.  As she got up to go into the office, she said, "Oh, he's on a conference call."

Right. 

"Yeah," I said, "Tell him I think he's a coward.'  Which I did for not coming out to apologize for arguing with me and helping me get the phone taken care of.
She came back with little Phil right behind her, heaving mad.

"Did you call me a coward?"
Looking up at him calmly I answered, "You called me a liar."

"NO MA'AM!  At NO point did I ever call you a LIAR!"

"I told you the phone was broken.  You kept saying it wasn't.  That's calling me a liar."
"The phone ISN'T broken."

I tried logic one more time.
"OK, what does a phone do, make and receive calls, right?"
"Yes."
"And in order to do that it needs power, right?"
Suspicious, he answered, "Yesss..."
"So," I continued, "a phone needs to call, make calls and have power to do that, right?"
"NO!  Power's DIFFERENT!"

duh

I looked up at him in disbelief. 

I said, "You're just full of sh*t, aren't you?"

He went off like a firecracker.  "THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!  I DON'T HAVE TO TOLERATE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE IN HERE."  He was waving his arms around.
"You're OUT of here."
"I'm getting my phone." I answered pointedly.  The lady at the desk had her head down so far her nose touched the keyboard.

He continued.  "WE HAVE SECURITY HERE!  WE HAVE CAMERAS!  YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK IN HERE!"

By now he was looking pretty ridiculous and I got tickled.  "Great!"  I said with a smile.

"I MEAN IT!  I'M CALLING ALLTEL SECURITY (didn't know they had that division) AND YOU'LL BE BANNED FROM ALL THE STORES IN TOWN!"
"OK."

He tried again.  "YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK IN AN ALLTEL STORE AGAIN!  YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE ONLINE!"
"I can do that."

"YOU'LL NEVER GET INTO AN ALLTEL STORE ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN!"
"Great."  I could barely keep from laughing out loud.  Banned from every Alltel store everywhere forever.  Wow, he's got a lot of power.

I looked closely at his eyes and said most sincerely, "So did that word actually do physical damage to your ears?  Do they hurt?"

He looked at me stunned.  "I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU MA'AM.  YOU ARE NEVER COMING BACK!"
"Do you think I want to talk with you again?."

He stomped off to the front door, ready, I'm sure, to heave me to the parking lot if I slowed to pull out my car keys.

I got my phone and thanked the poor little woman at the desk.  As I went out, I couldn't resist. 
"I knew that conference call was a bunch of crap."
He gave me an evil glare and said cheerily, "Thank you ma'am, have a good day!"
I turned and said, "You too, Phil, have a good one!"

Now I am a marked woman, banned forever from every Alltel store in the entire world. And so, I'm sending this out to you so that you can distribute the poster to any Alltel store you may have in your community.  I mean, really, let's beat the rush.

Katie



6:26 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 29

How Pig Oil Ruined America
  • On the news this morning it was reported that Americans traveled 1.4 billion fewer miles than during the same period last year. The high price of gasoline is cited as the primary cause.  A side effect of this is a huge reduction of government budget money for the repair and replacement of roads and bridges in America. ( http://www.kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=520111&catid=2)
  • Floods in the Midwest have destroyed millions of acres of farmland.  Corn, already priced higher than normal because it is being used to make ethanol instead of feeding cows and people (look at your labels, folks, corn syrup is in almost everything!) is going for record, sky-high prices.  The cost of shipping food with extravagantly priced diesel fuel is making for bigger and bigger tickets at the grocery store.  Grocery purchases are eating into those luxury item purchases like shoes and clothes and electricity.
  • Our "oil man" president's economic stimulus package gave everyone in America enough money to pay off their gasoline credit card for a month.  Almost.  Great news for the oil companies, right?

With the administration in favor of the financial suction of Pig Oil and their blatant rape of this country's economic system, oil barons who posted billions in profits after one of the biggest catastrophic disasters in this nation's history got away with price gouging of the highest order.  Their excuses about losing refining capacity is belied by their lack of investment in building new refineries with their ill-gotten gains.  And their token attempts to support "green" technology is simply a way of deflecting the direct criticism they deserve.

This winter, who will assist those freezing elderly Americans on the president's reamed out social security program who can't afford to move to Florida or other sunshine states and can't afford the high cost of heating oil?  Will we have to depend on Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez for relief again?

It's time we stopped feeding the pigs and started cleaning the barn.  This country can be energy independent with non-combustible fuels in ten years with some effort and the loss of absolute power of the oil companies.  We did it for Kennedy, we can do it for ourselves.  After all, he just challenged us to go to the moon.

Perry Tenitiss

 
 


10:07 AM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 17

Talking about Tony's Too: Service With A Sigh

 

Quote

Tony's Too: Service With A Sigh
OK, we've given this restaurant four tries, two more than mom usually does and three more than I do. It's the one that is in our hotel here in Quincy and it's pretty icky. Let me start with the first time.

It was really hot one of the first days that we were here. Mom was all red in the face and droopy. I, on the other hand, have wonderful, insulating fur which keeps my temperature regulated unless we are at thermal extremes. But I digress.


We went in, stood at the door for a little while, then finally went in and sat at one of the booths. It had food all over it, but mom took the dirty napkin and wiped it off. A man came over from behind the bar and asked if we wanted anything to drink. Mom said, "Yes, some water would be great." He told us our server would be with us shortly.

When he got back he only had ONE glass of water, no bowl and a stupid lemon on the glass. So much for his tip! But, mom was glad, so it was ok really. She sat and drank the water while we chatted and finally finished it (after melting some ice in her hands for me!) Twenty five minutes later we decided it was time to go up to the room and go to bed, so we started to get up out of the booth. The bartender guy comes up and says, "So, are you ready to order?"

Mom says to him, "You know, I think I was only thirsty," and so we go. The scene is set. Since then mom has had the champagne chicken salad a couple of times, but she always brings it up to the room.

So tonight mom decides (she's been in a wierd mood all day and even called her shrink) to go to the restaurant again and try something. Now on the good side, someone actually meets us at the doorway and asks us where we'd like to sit. Of course we pick a booth and of course it hasn't been cleared. Mom clears and wipes the table and a while later someone comes along and takes the stuff. This girl says, "Someone will come back and spray this down in a minute." No one ever did.

A waitress who shall remain unnamed comes up and asks mom what she'd like to drink. Mom says, "Water. No, wait, do you have any lemonade?"
"Sure!" says the UnNamed Waitress and off she goes.

She comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water with a lemon on top. Mom looks at it and says, "This isn't lemonade, is it?"
"Oh, no, did you want lemonade?"
"Yes."
"Oh, I thought you wanted lemon." Mom smiled at her. I cringed.

It worked out well though because mom squished the lemon into her lemonade so it wouldn't taste so much like powered and I got to drink the whole glass of water all by myself! Next came the menu.

Mom looked through it and said there was a lot of stuff fried and with cheese (and fried cheese!). She said just looking at it made her arteries tense up. But, she ordered us some roast chicken with rice. It came with a salad or soup. Mom asked, "What's the soup?"
"Beer cheese." Mom made a face like somebody squeezed a skunk into her nose.
"And we have bean and mushroom."
"That sounds better," mom said to her and she handed her the menu.

The UNW brought mom her soup. Fortunately for mom, there was a soup spoon on the bowl because we hadn't got any silverware yet. As the UNW breezed by dropping off the soup, mom said, "Silverware?" But it was too late. She was already out of range.

Mom started reading her book A Welcome Grave and I just sat and people-watched. There were four beer-drinking, hard-working guys in red hats (Cards fans, I suspect, although why anyone in their right mind would root for a birdie I'll never understand) waiting for their dinners and drinking a couple of beers. They were watching a game on one of the five or so tvs that hang around the room. There wasn't anyone sitting at the bar tonight, although there were a couple of guys there the other night also watching the redbirds. The waitresses there were all flurried like they had been running a race and their hair was all wispy and they just looked exhausted. Maybe they worked more hours today than mom. Ten and a half hours girls? In faint air conditioning?

Well, when the chicken got there, it looked good: Half a chicken sprawled all over some fried wild rice and fried corn and fried black beans and fried peppers and fried something else that was red but not tomatos. I guess they have quite the fry cook back there in the kitchen. The menu had said something about the chicken being lightly rubbed with herbs or something like that and it looked really good. So mom cut the chicken. It was pinkish and yummy looking. The waitress walked away. Mom used her Voice Which Commands: "May I have some silverware?" As if in a trance the waitress returned to the table. "Oh! I'm sorry! I'll get you some!" It didn't take long. But they seem to be very stingy with their silverware, which would be fine if they'd just give you a napkin to wipe the gravy off your hands and stuff.

The chicken was beautiful. Mom cut into it and cut some out. Steam curled from the freshly cut bird. But it smelled funny. Mom ate some of it and said it again. She didn't even need to give me any. I KNEW it smelled funny. And she said it tasted funny, too. I declined to test her theory. It smells funny, it tastes funny- kinda goes without tasting, ya know?

Mom gamely tried to eat the chicken, she had some from the leg, some from the back, some from the breast, but it all tasted the same. Funny. And not funny ha-ha. So mom ate all the vegetable matter while I sipped my water. Then it was time to go.

Mom took the bill and her card and put them on the corner of the table. No one picked it up. Finally, we went up to the front where a girl with a hot, red face and fly-away blonde hair was playing with a machine that spit out dinner bills. Mom showed her the card and the ticket and said, "Can you take this?"

The girl looked at mom as if she had just added another Herculean burden to her day and took the stuff. She said, "Sorry, that's not mine, I can't," sighed, and walked away. The bartender stood there watching the whole operation and mom turned to him and said, "Are you taking money tonight?" He took the stuff and said, "Who is your server? Oh, it was UNW. UNW! COME CHECK HER OUT!" So after a minute our waitress came up. She asked if everything was alright and mom just nodded rather than go into the entire experience with her. We just wanted to get upstairs. She had mom's card and ticket in her hand and started checking her out.

Tonys door

The front door to the restaurant.  There appears to be some sort of cosmic distortion here.  Time actually slows to a crawl once through this portal.

Suddenly, two women appeared at the door and the tired blonde server went to greet them. UNW turned and saw them. She stepped up to one and said, "Hey, we don't want you in here!" Then she hugged the woman to whom she had spoken. Obviously they were friends. Next, UNW stood there hipshot having a conversation with this woman, waving mom's credit card and bill around and having a good old time. Mom finally went up to the woman who had come in and said, "I'm sorry, but she has to finish with my credit card."

The woman looked surprised and UNW gave us both a dirty look. Mom is way too nice. She gave her a tip. Maybe she figured the UNW was so inept that she'd need the money to supplement her unemployment. You know how she is, always helping the handicapped.

So we left and went straight to the desk to tell them all about our dinner. But they were busy with a whole bunch of construction guys who were checking in. So, we came up here to write the story down. They can read it in the newspapers with everyone else!

(I'm going back to sharpen my claws on the bar)

Your furry gourmet,
Perry

Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman



7:53 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 13

Alright, I've Had Enough!
I swear, I've just about had enough of all this mess.  Mom got an email from someone at FEMA in Washington telling her to check out the Human Capital Hot Site or something like that.  Then I had to listen to her grumble and rant about dehumanziation in the government for an hour or so.  Personally, I think dehumanization in leadership is just what the country ordered considering how much better an under cover cop a badger would be, or just as example, a cat for president. 
 
But that's not what she was talking about.  She means how humans in the government treat other humans.  The policy is set by the Administration (Dubya strikes again) and this one wants to quantify humans as objects instead of encouraging individual strengths, original thought or allowing any possible spark of a new idea to light the darkness.  That, my friends, is stagnation and that is what this administration is all about. 
 
And just look around.  Stagnation breeds disease and deterioration.  The US is no longer the leader, no longer economically sound.  Our children can't read a recipe or operate an oven, for that matter, or even walk a mile because of the poor diets we have been feeding them.  High-fat, low-fiber, slow-fast food will give them all heart attacks by the time they are 40.  The next generation will have to learn fast.  If there's anyone to teach them.  Who will read to the next generation?  The grandparents?
 
But, to get back to mom's ranting.  She was upset at being referred to as "Human Capital".  So, of course you know mom, she sent back a reply that went like this:

 

Dear FEMA Division of Human Capital,

 

I know that it is the latest catch phrase, but I am not human capital.  You (the collective you) do not own me, nor may you invest me.  I will not be spent or traded, hoarded or given to some “mavericks” as a possible tax write off.

 

If I must be described in non-human terms, I would prefer to be known as a canine.  I am loyal, pleasant, trainable, well-groomed, affectionate, intelligent, house trained and like to sleep on the bed.  I only whine when mistreated.  I am eager to make my masters happy.  And like a canine, I am FEMA flexible.  They, after all, can lick… (well, you know.)

 

So, instead of HUMAN CAPITAL, please refer to me as something as more than just an asset which must be warehoused or utilized.  Call me a FEMA DOG. 

 

Kathleen “Rover” Fairweather

 

Personally, I don't know why she picked a dog.  Not when she had all this cat experience, but I do understand her indignant attitude.  I hate being called a feline because that includes all the tigers and lions (lazy) and cheetahs and ocelots (blurry) and margays and pumas (funny looking) and all those mixidy wild cats running around unhomed and wild, spitting out kittens here and there and everywhere.  Hrmph!

 

But I think mom's right.  If her employers aren't going to bother to call her human, at least they can stay in the mammalian order.  Human, cat, dog, elephant, weasel- at that level they're all the same.  Except it seems you have to be the last to become president any more.

 

Perry

 
 
 
 
 
 


9:27 AM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

July 08

Flat Cats and Sponges

Hello all my friends and supporters!

I’m sorry it’s been so long since my last communiqué,  but with mom on the road with the disasters it’s  been a little difficult to slow down enough to get my thoughts together (and get mom to wake up and type for me).  She’s been putting in 12 hour days and she’s cranky when she gets back to the hotel.  Well, you know, with her sore hips and all.  I forgive her, anyways.

We’re in Quincy, Illinois, right across the Mississippi River from the birthplace of Samuel Clemens, Hannibal, Missouri.   (think I got enough commas in that one?)  It’s a nice town, lots of red brick houses (LOTS of red bricks) and some beautiful architecture downtown from the 1800s.  I’m going to try to sneak down there and climb some gargoyles on the post office.  Which reminds me, mom and her friend Susan went down to the post office today to mail KK a book about bad babies.  When the guy asked if there was anything in the package that was liquid or hazardous, mom popped off with her usual smart aleck remark, “No, it’s just a dried-out flat cat I’m sending home for a Frisbee.”  Boy, did that guy do a double-take!  He looked at her and said, “WHAT did you say?”  Susan started to laugh and said, “She’s joking.” Mom said, “No, it’s dried, not liquid, don’t worry.”  He smiled and said, “We did have someone mail a cat one time.  He was getting divorced and mailed his wife’s cat to her… dead.  It stunk!”  Susan got grossed out and mom just said, “So, she got her cat back then.”  Sometimes I think mom is a bit too cavalier about the subject of dead cats.

There have been a lot of people come into where mom works whose houses are still sitting under water.  Since the levy broke, there is no place for the water to go downstream.  It just sits.  It’s too humid to evaporate, so these folks are looking at a long haul ending with a tremendous amount of damages.  Not good at all.

Now, we can’t tell you about any real people, but for examples I can write about cases and substitute some of the details.

One family called in and said the water was finally down at their house, so they asked for the inspector to come look.  When the couple came in, they said they had a slight problem.  It seems that the lady had a world-class collection of rare sponges which she had brought home from the university to clean right before the floods.  When the levy broke, the sponges got wet, expanded and pushed out the walls of the house.  Consequently the home was unsafe as many of the roof beams were unsupported by the walls.  (Sponges, especially wet ones, do not hold up rooves).  When the inspector arrived, he found it impossible to enter the structure or even look inside as the sponges still contained most of the water they had absorbed and blocked access to the interior of the home.  As you can see, each disaster poses unique and difficult challenges for the survivors and the recovery specialists sent there to help them.

Personally, I do my very best to stay away from the water.  I am, after all, a cat.  But it is difficult not to want to see the results of such an unusual event.  Mom doesn’t like to go out “sightseeing” in disaster areas.  She says she’s seen plenty.  But I like to go out with the Community Relations workers who travel from one disaster site to another spreading the word that FEMA is in town and ready to help.  When I do ride with them, I see some pretty amazing things.  Entire fields of corn and soybeans are under water- acres upon acres.  This is an entire year’s income for some families and the loss can result in hunger, homelessness and poverty.  Combine that with the enormously piggish price of gasoline and even those with less damage can’t afford to drive to the recovery center- even if they carpool.   I look around and see the precarious position this country is in.  It makes me want to bite someone.  Let’s make it a republican.

Oh, and we did have a tornado warning here in Adams county today.  A big storm went over us here at the Veteran’s Retirement Center (a beautiful place with lots of big green lawns, tall trees and <ewww> water for critters to live in.  I’ve seen lots of squirrels, some mice and of course tons of birdies.  But back to the tornado)  When Paul, one of mom’s bosses, had mom put the radar up on her ‘puter, she got the Doppler loop going and there seemed to be an area of rotation.  It was off to the south a bit, though, so we weren’t worried.  A while later it was reported that there was a tornado warning in the southeast part of the county (we are on the west center border).  The people from New England were a little nervous, but mom told them not to worry- they had Fairweather there at the DRC.  Tsk tsk, mom!

I tell you what, I was really worried today.  I went out back where the nurses were smoking to watch the birdies out by the Alzheimer’s wing.  It’s kinda sad there sometimes because the people there on the fenced in porch get upset because they’re locked in and don’t know how to get out.  They like it when mom goes out singing, so she tries to do it a lot.  Anyways, while I was out prowling on the chain link, I saw the biggest bird I ever saw without the protection of glass between us.  It was a huge black crow!  It was almost as big as I was (although I know I weigh more.  I could have taken him in a pinch).  He looked at me sideways the way birdies do, with those yellow eyes of his and squawked RIGHT AT ME!  I was so startled by the noise I almost fell right off the fence into the dumpster!  I recovered quickly and hunkered down in my best African lion imitation.  I pretended I was going to strike right at his throat.  And do you know what he did?  He turned his back to me and shook his tail!  Wow, he was a brave bird (or a stupid one).  Crows may have big, nasty beaks, but I’ve got the SUPER MEGA CLAWS!  I could have ripped him from beak to butt in an instant.  But, because it was starting to rain, I decided to let him go without a fight and get back inside.  I knew I still had the security guard Anthony as back up.  He has a Magnum.  Yeah.

Well, I think mom is ready to crash, so I’d better let you go.  I have some special messages for some folks out there:

JUDY: There’s another cat in MI, they think she’s pregnant

MARGE:  Look up and smile for the satellite photos

ZOE:  I really wish I was there

EMILY:  Love ya, sickie!

GUY:  Thanks for the door!

FRIEDA:  So, where’s the first chapter?

JO: Get that resume done, bud!

LIZ:  Hang in there, keed.  (even though you’re upside down!)

STEPH:  OK! The 18TH!

BETH: Make Morgan eat spinach!

BARB:  Make Stephanie eat spinach!

TESS: Who loves ya, baby?

GRACE:  I’m working for Susan Sohni

MIKE:  So, where’s the second chapter?

Thank you again for your faithful support.

Perry



7:51 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

June 11

The Haunted Potty
Howdy and greetings. Mom and I have been watching old Hillary crumble. Why, they asked Hillary, did you run? "Because it's there" (oh, wrong Hillary)

Well mom and I have been puttering around. She has shorter hours now so she can spend more time playing with me and grooming me so I can be more beautiful. She got over that nasty cold, but in order to stretch out her lungs she's doing exercises... she's singing.. LOUD. She sang for an hour the other day and I just about scratched my way under the door. It's not necessarily that it's so bad (although since she had pneumonia last year she has some trouble hitting all the notes) but she keeps singing the same songs over and over and over... YIKERS! If I hear about birds gotta swim and fish gotta fly (or whatever) one more time I'm gonna rip her throat out, I swear. But lately she's been singing what she says is a "sexy" version of the Rubber Ducky song. It's not too bad but it's kinda wierd, ya know? Sexy rubber ducky? <shudder>

Mom's friend Rose came back from the mobile recovery center. That's where they travel to places that are small and the damage is scattered all over a wide area. She was telling Rose about stealing that guy's keys and Rose reminded mom that she had done the same thing to her about three weeks earlier. They got a good laugh out of that. Rose said that no one's keys are safe as long as mom's around. Mom agreed. So did everyone else, who then took the opportunity to check their purses and pockets. No on is really safe, you know.


Rose told a story on herself, though. She said she was out shopping and looking at shoes. She went to look at one and put her purse on the glass counter. Rose said, "It just SHATTERED all over the place!" Then she said she looked around and said, "Those damned kids!" I really like that Rose.

Let me tell you about where we work. It is an old Montgomery Wards building at a Dying Mall. (get the classical reference? No? aw, shucks) At one end are the entrance doors. WAAAAAAAAAY far at the other end and off in the far right corner is the litter box room for humans. And, of course, mom works right up by the front door. Plus between her and the box room is a warren of prairie dog towns (work cubicles) to negotiate around. By the time she gets there, it's over a mile.

I don't have any problem, though. The walls are only six feet high, so I can just hop from one to the other, as the crow flies, so to speak.

Anyways, the other morning mom came back from the box and looked a little confused (not unusual, true, but not usually from a trip to the box). She told her friend Frieda that while she was in there the potty she was sitting on ROSE! She said it was like when someone sits on the other side of a teeter totter and they are bigger than you. Frieda always trying to keep mom calm, of course, said something about having tiny earthquakes in the area lately. I rolled my beautiful golden eyes.

Two days later, mom was in there and said she heard "jingle bells" while she was in there. I wondered if there wasn't some other weed in the salad she had for lunch. I bet it was water going through the pipes because I have pretty good ears, you know? And that's the only thing I heard that day.

Well, now mom is convinced that it's a haunted litterbox. Yesterday she said she heard moaning in there. She didn't think there was anyone there, but I bet it was just someone in another stall who had tomatoes for lunch. (Why do they call getting sick from vegetables SALMONella? Salmon is GOOD!)

And, last night dad and Kemper Kitty came in from Amarillo. KK was very excited and very tired. We made him walk all the way over to a restaurant that was farther away from the hotel than the box is from mom's desk. AND back! Then dad gave him a bath and by the time he was done (chasing me around in his royal nekkidness) he settled down and went to sleep in the bed with dad. I curled up with mom, bus she was tossing and turning because the flicker from the basketball game kept waking her up. She's SUCH a princess! wienie!

So, today dad and KK came to work and mom took them out to lunch at El Chicos. KK got another spoonful of hot sauce (with cheese) and looked like an angry red dragon spitting fire out of his mouth. But, he ate rice and chips and queso, so he was doing ok. He was getting a little sleepy and cranky so dad said it was a good time to go visit Vonda! hee hee... she's dad's step mom and KK's step great grand mom. But dad will take KK back to the room because he was getting cranky and tired, too.

And that's about it for today. The books finally came in, the ones mom and I wrote. They look pretty cool and they're really small. I'm not in it, dang it, so it's not as good as it could be, but I like it anyways.

Later,
Perry

Approved by Perry Tenitiss
Perry Tenitiss for President in 2008 Campaign
K. Fairweather, Chairman


12:48 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

June 04

Chicken Box and Stolen Keys
Well, we've been in the big city (Oklahoma City, well actually Midwest City, but Oklahoma City is like a giant fungus which has spread to and engulfed all the cities and towns around it) for almost two weeks now. Things are different here than in Miami. First, there aren't any critters out here, either, but with all the big roads and fast driving, I'm not surprised. I'm sure there are other cats and some squirrels in the residential areas, but we don't ever get there.

The other day mom and I wanted to get some chicken. We drove to this Popeye's Fried Chicken (mom LOVES the red beans and rice... beans... YUK!) so we go there sometimes. Well, she had to make an illegal U turn and go the wrong way on the road from one driveway to the other just to find out that they were closed. And not just closed, but CLOSED as in OUT OF BUSINESS with weeds growing in the drive up and everything!

Well, mom was really tired, so she called her OnStar (dad is so nice to her. He got it so she wouldn't spend hours getting lost like she usually does) and found a Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is now called KFC because, as mom's brother-in-law Steve says, there really isn't any chicken in it at all. Well, as a cat, let me just say that if it isn't chicken, it sure TASTES like chicken!

Anyways, we got to the drive up at the KFC and mom looked at the menu. She wasn't sure what she wanted. The guy on the speaker said, "welcmtaKFCwhutzyaarder?" Mom said, "I'm not sure, just a minute." The rest of the conversation went kinda like this:

Speaker guy: What?
Mom: I need dinner in a box
SG: Did you say wedge potatoes? (I stopped licking my tail at that one)
Mom: No, I need a dinner in a box."
SG: What did you say?
Mom: A dinner. In a box.
SG: We don't have that
Mom: yes, you do. Right here on the menu
SG: WHAT did you want?
Mom: It's on the lunches
SG: What is?
Mom: The box. It's a lunch. In a box.
SG: Oh, you mean the box lunch!
Mom: Ok
SG: What would you like to drink with that?
Mom: I don't want a drink
SG: (irritated with mom's stupidity) It COMES with a drink
Mom: I already have a drink
SG: Ah, well, I'll just put a water bottle in it
Mom: (looks at me) ah, sure, whatever
SG: That will be <mumble-mumble-ninety-six> please drive around

So, we drive around and this chubby kid with a huge Afro stands there looking at mom like she just peed on the rug or something. Mom just took her BOX LUNCH and said, "Thank you," and off we went. We got to the hotel and had the chicken. It was pretty good, too. But I'm not sure it's good enough to go through all that again.

Then two days ago in Sunday mom started to get sick. Her nose started to clog up and so did her ears. Yesterday she went to work (trying to give it to everyone) and it had spread around to her throat and she started a little cough. She called Dr. Joe and he sent her some antiblah-otics. It's a good thing, too, because today it went into her lungs and she started hacking up all kinds of, well, let's say I'd cover it with litter. If she didn't get the medicine, I bet she'd have pneumonia again.

Today was better. She was working along, hacking but feeling a lot better. Lots of cases and half of the funerals paid off already. (that's what she'd doing, sending in the requests for payment of funerals of people killed in the tornado) Well, she went to class and talked to some teachers afterward. Later that day, a note came around on the email that one of the teachers had lost his car keys and if they were found to please bring them to security.

Here I think is a good time to explain something about mom. She is bipolar and for most of her life has had a hard time concentrating. That made her develop some unusual habits. Because she was always losing things, she ended up putting things in the refrigerator when she wasn't paying attention, carrying her purse behind her back and putting everything in her pockets. She still does these things without thinking. Without even noticing!

So, this guy who said lost his keys, Bill, came by mom's square today (they have a prairie dog town- dividers that people pop up and look around over) and was telling us about losing his keys. He told us he had looked all over the place, asked all sorts of folks, checked all over his office, even had someone drive him to the airport to get a new key- which didn't even work! Mom looked at him and I saw this funny look come over her face. She slapped her pocket and pulled out his keys, handing them to him. He must have thought she stole them and waited to cause him lots of trouble before she gave them back because he just looked surprise then turned and walked away.

Mom looked at the ladies she worked with and they had that stunned "I-can't-believe-what-I-just-saw" look on their faces. Mom just said, "I guess I picked them up this morning after class. They must have been on the table" Grace looked at her and said, "You really ARE dingy!" I guess when mom gets sick she gets, well, stupid.

Anyways, there's been a few other little things going on around here, like the big tornado scare last week, but it turned out to be nothing. Heck, my fur didn't even get staticky.

So, you have a good week and I'll keep you posted.

Perry


5:47 AM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

May 28

Bunnie Cats and Crack Hoz
Well, in the eternal wisdom of the United U-know who, all of mom's coworkers and her and I moved back to Oklahoma City (technically Midwest City, but Oklahoma City just slobbers all over the rest of the towns around here).  In fact, back in the 1970s Oklahoma City was the largest city in square miles in the United States.  Not that I remember the 1970s, but mom said she was engaged to an anus from here and he told her that.  Now LA is the largest city, I believe.  They slobber all over the California coast.
 
Mom got curious last night and Googled the anus and he still lives here in Oklahoma City (I'm gonna start saying OKC because it's making my claws hurt).  He has a wife, she thinks, because he's listed with a woman and mom doesn't remember him having a sister.  She said she's thinking about calling him up and laughing.  Personally, I'd rather blow raspberries, but you know mom, always happy...
 
I don't remember if I told you about the white cat and the white dog in Miami.  Native Americans, it seems, and I heard this from a Pottawatamie bartender at the casino, believe that white animals are sacred, or ghosts.  Well, the way they kept running out if front of us in the car, I'm surprised they aren't REAL ghosts!  In fact, and I heard this from an Irish-American veterinarian in a Mexican restaurant, white mammals have a genetic tendency to become deaf.  No wonder they were running out in front of us.  Of course mom's Buick is pretty quiet, but still.  Although that giant turkey vulture didn't seem to hear us coming either.  Man, was that an UGLY bird!  He was as big as Brigid!
 
So anyways, coming back here on Interstate 44 there was lots and lots of roadkill (but no more ugly vultures).  I made up a little song:
 
On the Highway to Tulsa
This is what I see:
10 deer done leaping
9 armadillos
8 flattened doggies
7 fuzzy possums
6 buzzing birdies
5 dead racoons
4 scissortails
3 stinky skunks
2 skakeskin belts
and a cow who got out of her field
 
I sang that over and over until mom threatened to put me in the trunk with the dirty laundry.  I like it.
 
When we finally went to the motel, everyone was super nice because mom is a PRIORITY CLUB member, which means, I guess, that everyone has to be nice.  And they gave us a HUGEANTIC room with two beds, a couch, a table and chairs, an armoire (it's really a closet that's not in the wall) a refrigerator, microwave, sink AND a really big bathroom with a tub (ick) and a big counter for mom to put all her "meds" on.  I call them "drugs".
 
And speaking of drugs, and laundry, we went to drop off mom's laundry this morning before work because the place opened at 7 and mom starts work at 8.  We waited until 7:30 and mom called the number on the door.  The owner was a little upset and said he'd get someone there right away, but it took too long and we had to go to work.  As we left the laundry an ambulance came towards us and we wondered if maybe they were going to the laundry.  We have vivid imaginations like that.
 
So, at lunch time mom and I went back to the laundry and there was a woman there who took it for us.  She was in her thirties with blonde hair.  She had a tattoo of marijuana on her left arm.  Her eyes were so red they looked like they were bleeding.  Mom asked her if she could bring her laundry in to be done.  The lady looked at her kinda funny, then something fell into place in her head and she said, "Oh, wash your laundry? Yeah, I can do that."  I looked at mom askance.
 
Mom went out and got the clothes and I jumped up on a dryer behind the lady.  One sniff told me all I needed to know.  Mom came in and put all the clothes on the weigher to weigh them because you pay by the pound (good thing mom's clothes aren't real fat).  The lady figured up what it would cost and mom said, "Do I need to pay now?" -duh mom- and got her money out.  She paid for the laundry and the lady started counting the change back.  She stopped too soon.  So mom had to help her count the change back.  When she was done she looked at mom and said, "Ok, now you need to pay me."  Mom said, "I just did, hon, remember we counted the change?"  The lady put her hands on the sides of her head and said, "Did we? I'm so confused!"  I looked around the otherwise empty laundermat thinking, this isn't rocket science...
 
So, we are hoping that when we go pick up the laundry tonight that:
 
1) they can find it
2) it is all there
3) it does not have singe marks on it
 
 
Dad called and mom told him all about it.  He said, "You let a crack ho do your laundry?"  I just about fell out of the car.  He can be pretty funny sometimes.
 
Well, that's about all for now.  I'll update you in a day or two.
 
Your candidate,
Perry
 
 
 
 


1:51 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)